DVD : Conan the Destroyer

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Rating:

- Operetta in barbarianism
Some films age badly. This is one of those. First we discover that the filming, the special effects, the plot and many other purely technical elements are poor today after twenty years of tremendous film technology improvements. Second the story is not even good barbaric romance. It is violent by principle. It is hardly magic with so poor special effects that we are amazed at the fascination some of them performed on us when the film came out. The psychologies of the characters are not even caricatures, that would be flattery. They are just unreal and unbelievable. And there is no « suspension of one's disbelief » when these human puppets act like clods in the middle of a crystal store. No human feelings. No sentiments. No human touch. It is too gross to engross us with any fascination. We remain dubitative in front of the plywood rocks and the woollen chains. We definitely see the zipper in the back of the monster and even in the front. Go back to the comic strip it has retained its mesmerizing power.

Dr Jacques COULARDEAU

Rating:

- A fairly enjoyable adventure movie!
I must say that many of my fellow reviewers here has been quite harsh on this movie. For one; I don't understand when people say that they're disappointed with this movie? It's not Lord of the Rings, true, but it never pretends to be anything else than what it is... which is a fun adventure movie that's been made for entertainment. The first movie (Conan: The Barbarian) was fun, but a little too cheesy at times, but the sequal is alot more fun to watch; mainly because of my personal hero: Grace Jones.

Come on... I recall a reviewer asking why she's describes as androgynous; I tell you why. First off, Grace changed her disco-diva image in 1980 from which three of the best albums of the eighties followed (Warm Leatherette 1980), (Nightclubbing 1981) and (Living My Life 1982). Remember her One-Man Show? It was fantastic, Grace performed with outrageous outfits and often poked at the legend of "The Demolition Man" in which she so rudelessly said: You kept on coming, you should have ran. I'm nobodys friend I'm a Demolition Man. The whole "Grace Jones legend" is worth a mention. Conan: The Destroyer was her first major movie and she was chosen simply because of her amazing physique and muscular body.

That being said; Arnold really manages to grab the role by the throat; the main problem of the first movie was Arnold's pathetic attempt at being serious... let's face it, he failed. The story is adequate and it certainly managed to keep me watching, Mako is also another highlight of the movie. Remember the crazy-hazed Sensei in Sidekicks? Yeah that's right it's him. Stick the poke at the tinman and stop being so damn rightgeous. Conan: The Destroyer is a fairly good adventure film that never pretends to be anything else than what it is.

Rating:

- Sword and the Toad
This is an absurd and hastily made sequel to the far superior Conan the Barbarian. Swartz is back as the big hulking paleoanthropic warrior who has more muscle than brains. This time around the landscape looks like something out of a cheap fantasy movie and nothing ever clicks or feels like the original. The difference with this is that the first film had a believability to it and this one just oozes out vacuous emptiness. The plot concerns a princess who must fight an evil sorceress. . . not much there to begin with. Along the line there are more absurd characters including Grace Jones who resembles a twig and beats men 8 times her size with a stick. Chamberlain is even more lackluster as a personal guard to the spoiled princess who has special powers to defeat darkness. Look for the awful 'non-moving face' monster in the hall of mirrors that is about as scary as a dead fish. Even as a kid I hated this movie.

Rating:

- A cheap, but funny and light-hearted sequel.
Though being a fan of Robert E. Howard's short stories I must say that funny and light-hearted are definitely NOT the words I would use to describe Conan.

The story this time has Conan go on a mission for the seductive Queen Taramis (she can be my queen ANY day). He must retrieve a gemstone which unlocks another treasure called the Horn of Dagoth. A treasure that will bring to life an Evil God. Conan doesn't care as Taramis (who was NOT a villain in Howard's short stories, her twin sister Salome however, definitely was) has promised to bring back his dead girlfriend from the first film.

And so with his ragtag group of companions: Malak (a comedy sidekick, but what happened to Subotai from the original?), Zula (Grace Jones, wearing no more than a couple of inches of leather floss), Akiro (Mako, the only returning cast member from the original), Bombaata (on a secret mission to kill Conan) and the virgin Princess Jehnna, Conan takes off on his mission.

The first film was very, very serious but this one plays more like The Dark Crystal than a Conan film. The effects and sets are very typical of early '80s fantasy movies. The violence, though not entirely muted, has been toned down somewhat. Plus Conan talks a lot more in this one. I don't have a problem with this part as he is quite cunning and intelligent in Robert E. Howard's stories. I felt they kind of sold him short in the first film by limiting his dialogue.

Some scenes reek of cheapness. The Toth-Amon/Man-Ape scene is so ridiculously fake. It makes you wonder how the filmmakers took it seriously. But it all it really does is add to the kitschy hokum of it all. And hokum and weirdness is what Howard's stories were all about.

Basil Poledouris' music is the one part of the film that is totally up to scratch. It's not as heavy as his score to the first film but he does introduce new, stronger themes and lighter takes on cues from the first.

And the ending, featuring the resurrected Dagoth reduced to a sub-Godzilla demon is just plain stupid. Not silly. Even a few more minutes of thought put into this would have made it much better.

It's a lot more formulaic and 'Hollywood' than the first. No new ground is broken and it's obviously a film made quickly to cash in on the success of CtB. Another way in which Conan has been sold short. You can tell with some gimmicks present in both films that they were trying to turn this into a long-running series. A shame that never happened. Conan the Destroyer is silly, entertaining fun. But it lacks the serious impact of the original. Oh well, we'd better just sit tight until King Conan: Crown of Iron comes out next year.

Forget this shoddy, non-anamorphic, mono-soundtracked DVD and get the R2 version. It has a much better cover-art and loads of extras including: commentaries, featurettes and a brand new 2.35:1 anamorphic picture and Dolby 5.1 sound.

Rating:

- Conan The Destroyed
With this cheap sequel, the epic grace of the original Conan itself sinks to the level of all the B movies that sought to imitate it. An utterly pathetic sequel that Schwarzenegger should have shunned.

Although the plot was fine, it was the screenplay itself which ruined this film. The whole script was riddled with bad dialogue and stupid action scenes. In contrast to the original's cast of solid characters, the sequel has Conan accompanied by a pack of totally unappealing characters. The worst character is the sidekick thief, Malek, whose only purpose is to utter bad one-liners and act as the buffoon. As for Chamberlain, I'm sorry but the guy can't even act well in a low-grade 'B' film and should have stayed with basketball.

Don't waste your money either buying or renting this film: it's not worth a dime. The only time I saw this film is when it was originally released on the big screen: I don't care to ever watch it again.

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