Imagine you're aboard a timemobile with an insane Clark Kent.
Don't worry. He's sleeping peacefully. For now.
And you've just met Chloe Sullivan.
But, as Spock might say, not Chloe as we know her.
That was the situation for Team MacGyver.
True, it was not a typical day for Team MacGyver. Normally the guys were out connecting rifts, beams, and portals to the Stargate system.
Yes, the guys found creative ways to connect or “MacGyver” Gary Seven's teleport beam to the space-time ribbon Captain Kirk lived in for a time.
They hooked up a rift to Vulcan with Kryptonian portals and connected all those to the entire Stargate system. They even found a way to have any Stargate temporarily appear in the past, just like when SG-1 was sent back to 1969.
They created roving portals, rifts, transporter rings and “beam-out” sites as backups just in case the Guardian of Forever was unable to send a time ripple to whisk away a time travel team.
But occasionally Team MacGyver went on a time rescue mission. In this case, they had to rescue Clark Kent from Belle Reve Sanitarium in the year 1947.
Despite some danger, the team's two Men In Black got Clark safely aboard the timemobile.
Naturally when they left Belle Reve the team did a time-wipe. That way patients and staff wouldn't remember seeing a timemobile. Or a Terminator. Or the phaser beam that took out the Terminator. Or the Punisher with a phaser.
Before they left, they also picked up another passenger: Chloe Sullivan. But, again, not as we know her.
For Team MacGyver, things are fairly peaceful for the moment.
Unfortunately, the insane Clark will wake up.
And it won't be Clark as we know him.
'TEAM MacGYVER MEETS CHLOE”
(PLUS: CLARK CONFRONTS THE JOKER)
A SMALLVILLE/”BIG BANG THEORY”/STAR TREK/STARGATE CROSSOVER STORY
(Try finding that anywhere else on the Web.)
“Hello, Clarkie-boy,” someone said.
The raspy voice was sinister and grim with a hint of mocking and ridicule.
Rain poured down, and Clark wiped away wet hair from his eyes. When lightning flashed, Clark caught a glimpse of the chalk-white figure with the ghoulish clown face.
The Joker.
The team's two Men In Black ran tricorders up and down as their guest held out her white-jacketed arms.
L turned to Angus MacGyver. “There's no sign of a Goa'uld symbiote. No alien parasites. No space spores.”
“And she's not a Klingon,” M said.
“Well, I would hope not,” Chloe Sullivan said.
“She's clean, sir,” L said.
“Thanks, guys,” MacGyver said. As Raj Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz continued to argue, MacGyver threw up his hands and left the room.
Chloe studied the Clark lying on the Sick Bay table. His eyeballs moved rapidly back and forth under closed eyelids.
“The Joker,” he mumbled. “He tried to turn me into the Hulk, the Green Goblin....and...a beast...called Doomsday. And I saved Edith Keeler....didn't mean to....I've said too much, done too much.”
Chloe knew exactly what was going on, and she knew what would happen.
It had to happen. For the future of a lot of people in the multiple universes.
As Chloe stepped away, she felt some regret but she knew it had to be this way for this Clark, the Clark who worked with SG-1.
This was a battle he had to fight alone.
“So you're the famous Chloe from Smallville,” Leonard Hofstadter said. While Howard and Raj argued in the background, Sheldon Cooper sat in the corner sulking.
“Yeah,” Chloe said with a light sigh as she removed a white glove from her hand. “And I know this is going to sound kind of strange but I need to mind-meld with you guys.”
“Get away from me, Joker,” Clark said in the pouring rain. When lightning flashed again, he saw he was in a cemetery.
“Uh-uh-uh, Clarkie-Boy,” the Joker said, waving his finger.
More lightning. Clark saw the names on the tombstones: LANA LANG, PETER ROSS, CHLOE ANNE SULLIVAN, MARTHA KENT, and JONATHAN KENT.
Clark had seen something like this before in a vision he shared with Cassandra Carver, a blind nursing home patient who could see the future because of past exposure to meteor rocks.
But in this cemetery there were two new tombstones. MARTHA WAYNE and THOMAS WAYNE.
Gasping, Clark stepped back.
“Nice, isn't it?” the Joker rasped. “A time-traveling Vulcan crashed into Joe Chill. And Bruce Wayne's parents lived. And you helped a time-traveling SG-1 change it all back.” He threw back his head as he laughed. “NICE WORK, CLARKIE-BOY!”
The Joker took out a pen and notepad and scribbled. “How did that make you feel? Hm-m-m-m-m?”
“I had to,” Clark insisted weakly. At another quick flash of lighting, Clark caught a watery reflection of himself. He stood in front of a statue of an angel so it looked like he had wings.
“Oh, Clark,” the Joker said. “Is it possible you've gone a little 'bats?'” As he stretched his arm like Mister Fantastic to tussle Clark's hair, the Joker giggled like Homer Simpson. “Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee.”
At the next flash of lightning, it was like the world around Clark froze. The entire cemetery was lit up, and Clark could see the figure across from him. He had wild green hair, and he wore a long purple jacket with a green tie. His red lipstick was smeared, making him look even more manic with the dark areas around his eyes.
Clark coughed. “I had to do that. Now get away from me.”
The Joker waved a white-gloved finger. “Uh-uh-uh. You know the rules, Clark. I can't directly alter anyone from the Prime Universe.” He pointed. “That's yo-o-o-ou, Yoo hoo,” he said with a wave. More stretching, more tussling. “But I can if I get you in a bad enough emotional state. So....AWAY WE GO!”
In the next moment, the Joker was hanging on Clark's neck. 'HOW YA DOIN', CLARKIE-BOY?” he shrieked as he used his finger to jiggle Clark's lips. As Clark squirmed and grunted, the Joker whispered in his ear.
“You didn't know, did you, that I put you in that coma? There's a lot of things you don't know.” He made a buzzing noise as he honked a loud horn. “HOW'S THAT AMNESIA DOING? STILL GOING STRONG?” He knocked on the side of Clark's head.
“Get off me,” Clark said through gritted teeth.
The Joker jumped off and did a little dance-walk, holding his pants up as he did a kick each step of the way. “I put you in that coma for eight years. You were in Belle Reve for eight years. THEIR FIRST PATIENT EVER, DON'T YOU KNOW?” He quickly ran backwards. Leaning in toward Clark, the Joker made a hissing noise. Then: “It was an incubation period for the virus I put inside you.”
The Joker assumed the form of Reed Richards. “What is the scientific configuation of the virus? A little Hulk, a little Green Goblin, and just a dash of Doomsday.”
The Joker leap-frogged over Clark, sailed through the air, spun around, and landed like a ballerina while holding an umbrella.
Clark bent over, gasping and panting, hands on his knees. He glared up at the Joker.
“What do you want?”
As he spread his smeared red lips in a twisted smile, the Joker narrowed his eyes as he held out his hand.
“To turn you. Into my own creation.”
Leonard had a slightly perplexed look. A look that said “is she crazy?”
“But you're not Vulcan,” he said.
“True,” Chloe said. “But it's an ability I picked up.” At Leonard's inquisitive look, Chloe gave another little sigh. “Long story. I'll tell you later. But for now can we just do this?”
After he quietly considered for a few moments, Leonard shrugged. “I guess.”
“I'm game,” Howard said. Next to him, Raj wore a big smile as he nodded his head.
“I don't care,” Sheldon said from his corner..
Chloe put her fingers on the face of each one of them. Just for a brief moment. Sheldon's face twitched slightly when she touched him.
“Done,” Chloe said.
The Joker waved his hands like a game show hostess. With the world lit up, Clark could see the Hulk towering above the Joker. The Green Goblin stood to his right, and on his left was the tall gray spiked horned beast the Joker called “Doomsday.”
“I want to turn you into these guys, Clark!”
As Doomsday growled and roared, the Joker held folded hands against a white cheek.. “Ah, Doomsday,” he said. “I wish I had a pet like Doomsday.”
Doomsday lay down on his back, and the Joker rubbed his tummy while the beast purred like a tribble.
The Joker appeared in a white suit and white top hat. “Of course, as Master of the Multiple Universes, I do have a lot of pets, animal and human.” As he put a finger to his chin, his yellow smile stretched well beyond his face. “I think somewhere I have Lana as an Orion slave girl. Oh, I own a lot of Lanas.”
Gritting his teeth, Clark raised a fist. The Joker pointed his finger, and the fist went back down.
“A Kryptonian may be strong in spirit,” the Joker said. “But I've gotten to you, boy. I've worn you down.” He wiggled his fingers. “Let's see what else I can do.”
Lana Lang stepped forward in a hospital gown, holding a sharp piece of glowing green meteor rock.
“You killed Bruce Wayne's parents,” she said as stringy hair hung over her angry almond eyes. Her face and her voice were full of fury as she moved forward with the tenacity of a Terminator.
“Just like you killed my parents!”
As she plunged the knife into him, Clark screamed in agony.
The Joker kicked him like a football, and Clark sailed through a Stargate wormhole.
When he emerged at the other end, he landed on top of a moving truck. As Clark steadied himself with both hands while he was on one knee, the Joker held up a sign.
“Eight-point-five,” he announced in a loud shrill voice. As he tossed the sign away, he thrust his face into Clark's face. “When you're on one knee like that,” he said in a comical Jim-Carrey-like voice, “you're like Captain Kirk. After he rolls over. In the middle of a fight.”
“Hey,” the Joker said. “Let's do a scene from 'Speed.'” The Joker spoke in the voice of Dennis Hopper. “I'M SMARTER THAN YOU, CLARK! I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!” He stretched himself so he stood a hundred feet tall. “AND I'M TALLER, TOO!” He cackled loudly.
When Clark saw he was headed for an overpass, he leaped off the truck.
After Clark landed, a giant-sized Joker picked him up by the back of his pants and the back of his shirt and tossed him like a dwarf.
Clark sailed through another Stargate wormhole, waving his arms like a struggling swimmer while shouting and protesting all the way.
“I don't feel any different,” Leonard said..
“You may not be conscious of it,” Chloe said as she put her glove back on. “But there's something inside you that's going to be very helpful to Spock when you meet him. And Captain Kirk, too.”
A blinking Leonard grinned. “I'm going to meet Kirk and Spock?”
“Yes, you are,” Chloe said with a smile. “You guys are going to be a big help to them. And a lot of other people. You have no idea.”
Leonard made a face. “How do you know all this?”
“I've seen the future,” Chloe said with a matter-of-fact tone.
“Oh, sure,” Leonard said. His face twitched with slight skepticism.
Chloe grinned. “While I was a reporter for the Metropolis Inquisitor, I put on the Doctor Fate helmet. It showed me exactly what I needed to do.”
As Raj reached for a flask of Romulan ale, Howard asked Sheldon if he wanted some.
“No, thank you,” Sheldon said.
“Well, what would make you happy?” Howard muttered.
Leonard ignored them. “So,” he said. “Where you from, Chloe?”
“I'm not from this world,” Chloe said. She smiled. “Obviously. What would a normal Chloe be doing at Belle Reve in nineteen-forty-seven? I'm from one of the other worlds.”
Leonard looked intrigued, even delighted. “You know about the multiple worlds?”
“I've been to a lot of them,” Chloe said.
Howard stepped forward, hand extended. .
“Hello,” he said. “Howard Wolowitz. I'm from the TV series 'The Big Bang Theory.'”
“Hey.” Chloe tried to strike a balance between friendliness and total avoidance.
“Yes, Howard,” Leonard said. “We all are.”
“MacGyver isn't,” Sheldon said.. “Archie isn't. The Punisher isn't. Our two Men in Black aren't.”
“Fine, Sheldon,” Leonard sighed. He pointed back and forth from himself to Sheldon, Raj, and Howard. “The four of us are from 'The Big Bang Theory.' That's a TV show on some of the other worlds.” Lifting his chin slightly, Leonard assumed a look of grave self-importance. “I'm kind of the star of the show.”
“Are not,” Sheldon said from his corner.
“I am, too, Sheldon.”
Still curled up on the floor, Sheldon turned toward him. “Oh, I would beg to differ, Leonard. Except I never beg. However, I'm obviously the star of the show.”
Leonard bore a look of mild annoyance. “Oh, really, Sheldon? In what universe?”
“All of them.”
Leonard crossed his arms. “If you're the star of the show, then why is it on so many worlds the guy who plays you gets an award for best supporting actor?”
“That doesn't matter,” Sheldon said. “Obviously in any group I'm the most important person.”
“Obviously,” Leonard said with a slight roll of his eyes. He turned back to Chloe. “Anyway, that's why the guys on the team call us the 'Big Bang' guys.”
“Yes,” Howard said. “We're very popular on many of the other worlds.”
“In one universe we're very popular among the Venusians.” Raj drank more of the Romulan ale. Alcohol was the only way he could talk to a woman.
“I never cared much for Venusians,” Sheldon said, chin on his knees.
“Have you seen our TV show, Chloe?” Howard stepped closer.
“Whoa,” Chloe said. “Breach of personal space there, Howard.”
“Sorry,” Howard stepped back. “Have you seen our TV show, Chloe?”
“I've been kind of busy,” Chloe said.
“What have you been doing?” Leonard asked.
“Well,” Chloe said. “To start with I was in the Phantom Zone with Davis Bloome. Until someone took out Doomsday.”
Howard looked unnerved. “Who would be powerful enough to do that?”
“Someone you don't want to meet,” Chloe said. “Zod possessed by Darkseid.”
“Wow,” Raj said. “Darkseid sure does get around.”
“You have no idea,” Chloe said with a grin.
“What other worlds do you know of?” Leonard asked.
“On one world,” Chloe said, “Clark was exposed to gold kryptonite and lost his powers. But he was bitten by a radioactive spider.”
“Spider-Clark?” Leonard said with a frown.
“Does Whitney Fordman play the part of Flash Thompson?” Raj asked, referring to Peter Parker's high school nemesis in the Spider-Man comic book.
Chloe squint-smiled. “You guys know a lot about Smallville.”
“We've been downloaded with all the episodes. You know, so we don't interfere.” Leonard grinned proudly. “We didn't have to be downloaded with 'Star Trek' episodes. We already know that show pretty well.”
“Yeah,” Raj said. “If they gave out doctorates in 'Star Trek,' we'd each have one.”
Chloe lit up. “A doctorate!” she said in a slightly squeaky voice. “I've got one. You should get one. They're great!” As the others stared, Chloe blushed slightly. “Sorry. That's from when I mind-melded with Howard's girlfriend Bernadette.”
“Ah, sweet Bernadette,” Howard said. He made a face. “But I'm still worried about Zod possessed by Darkseid.”
Chloe patted his arm. “Don't worry. You guys will get home.”
Yeah, you will, she thought. But some bad things will happen on the way.
NEXT EPISODE:
CLARK'S MIND BATTLE WITH THE JOKER
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