This is quite a situation for Team MacGyver.
They had Clark Kent on a Sick Bay table aboard their timemobile.
When he woke up he turned into this very dangerous thing.
A combination of the Hulk, the Green Goblin, Doomsday, and a Klingon called Koloth.
And he's in the same room as the team's two Men In Black and the guys from the TV series “The Big Bang Theory.”
Can they stop him?
“ATTACK OF THE CLARK CREATURE”
A SMALLVILLE/”BIG BANG THEORY”/STARGATE/STAR TREK STORY
“Oh, boy,” L said as he and M slipped into Mind-Meld. This allowed them private mental communication while they continued to act on the outside.
“Isn't that Sam Beckett's line from 'Quantum Leap?'” M asked. In their virtual world, he watched on a monitor at MIB headquarters as the two of them ducked and dodged the Hulk fists of the Clark monstrosity.
L had once joked it was like being controlled by the Force: serene mental state on the inside, instinctive actions on the outside.
M offered a wry smile. “Altered-Clark checks in.”
“But he doesn't check out,” L said as he gave his partner a Mind-Meld high-five. L then watched himself on the giant screen.
On that screen, L grabbed a remote control with one hand while hanging on to a safety latch with the other. A Hulk-fist jabbed at him three times. In moves that looked effortless, L dodged each jab.
When L pressed the remote control, armor assembled around the two men. M reached out with a hypospray attached to one metal glove. He jabbed the Hulk-arm with it. Clark growled like an inquisitive puppy.
“Didn't work,” M said in Mind-Meld.
“No kidding,” L said. On the screen, Clark scowled with big white teeth.
“Puny humans,” he said in a low rumbling voice.
Sometimes Mind-Meld operated most efficiently when participants stated obvious bits of background information. It made them sharper mentally which in turn made them more alert and responsive physically.
“Lucky we've got these restraints,” M said.
“How do we get them on his wrists?” L asked.
“Not sure yet. But at least our dilithium crystals keep us going against the time-streams.”
“Yeah, as long as the ship holds together.” On screen, L looked around the room. “You hear me, baby? Hold together.”
As L said this in Mind-Meld, he watched on the screen as he and M continued to dodge the Hulk-fists while they stomped around in their armor suits. Clark's roars sounded like someone vomiting.
“What about the guys?” L pressed a button for the screen.
“This is priority.” Even in Mind-Meld, M squinted slightly as he surveyed the scene. “Besides, they're fine. Most of them. For now.”
The screen showed the situation: Three of the “Big Bang” guys held on to safety latches. Each one had a blank look on his face.
All except Sheldon Cooper. He knocked frantically on the door.
“MacGyver!” he shouted. Knock, knock. “MacGyver!” Knock, knock. “MacGyver!”
Then, holding on to a safety latch, Sheldon bowed his head as he assumed the same blank look as his comrades.
In Mind-Meld, a light bulb literally appeared above L's head. “I've got it. The neuralyzers.”
M shook his head. “They're no good against a Joker creation. Not high intensity enough.”
“True,” L said. “We can't give him commands or suggestions. Doesn't matter. We can still distract him long enough to get the restraints on.”
On the screen above, a noise like an earthquake. A green fist made contact, cracking L's face shield. L pushed a button on his wrist and a neuralyzer popped into his gloved hand.
Clark growled as a fist swung off in another direction, away from the Men In Black. The bulky green arm stretched, as if Clark were a green Mister Fantastic or Elongated Man. The massive fist smashed a hole in the wall of the timemobile.
“So much for holding together,” L groaned as he fired the neuralyzer. The Clark-creature was caught up in a bright red flash. As he stood there, dazed and unmoving, L and M clamped the restraints on his oversized green wrists.
Strong violent noisy winds poured in through the hole. They weren't actually winds at all, of course, but time currents. The howling was actually the noise of people in different timelines.
Though restrained, Clark growled and roared.
“Now what?” L shouted.
Before M could respond, the four “Big Bang” guys sailed out the hole.
As he spooned Thai food, Leonard Hofstadter nodded and waved his free hand. .
“You know, Penny. It takes some pretty high-intensity dilithium crystals to go against these time currents.” He calmly munched the Thai food.
“One thing I don't get,” Howard Wolowitz said as he held a slice of pepperoni pizza. “Why didn't our force fields kick in automatically?”
“A force field protecting us kicked in right away. But then Clark smashed the control panels,” Leonard said, pointing to the TV screen.
“It's not really Clark,” Penny said with a slight frown. “More like a Clark creature.”
Penny said this as she held her own slice of pizza. Only it wasn't really Penny at all. The guys' blond acrtress/waitress neighbor from across the hall was still back in Pasadena. This was only a simulation of Penny. Along with the Thai food and pizza, Penny was a familiar remnant of home and a reminder they would return safely to their normal lives. .
“A Clark creature, huh?” Leonard said.
“I would call it a Clark-Hulk-Doom-Gob-Klingon,” Raj Koothrappali said.
“Or Clark-Hulk for short,” Howard said.
“I'm going to knock on the door, see if I can get MacGyver,” Sheldon said and promptly vanished. A few seconds later, he reappeared. “Didn't answer.”
“You know what else, Penny?” Leonard said. The greater the crisis, the more Leonard talked to the Penny simulation. “It's lucky we have these special restraints. They neutralize any power. Whether you're an alien, a superhero, a super villain, a meteor freak, an android, or someone else with powers.” Leonard waved pizza at the TV. “Like that super-fast guy Clark met in Metropolis. The one who saved Jonathan. The one who could run on water.”
“Like the real Flash,” Sheldon said enthusiastically.
“Bart,” Raj said as he sipped simulated beer.
“Yeah,” Leonard said. “The restraints would neutralize him, too.”
“If you could get them on fast enough,” Howard said.
Wearing his “deep thought” look, Raj squinted slightly. “Do you suppose when Bart and Clark were down in Miami they met Michael Westen from 'Burn Notice?'”
“Not sure.” As Leonard looked at Penny, he couldn't help thinking: Even when she made a face while munching pizza, Penny was beautiful. Even the real Penny back home.
“So,” Penny said. “When Clark started tearing the place apart, why didn't these restraint thingies kick in right away?”
Leonard chewed for a moment. “They only activate when they detect powers in use. And again, Clark smashed the control panels.”
“With his Hulk fists,” Raj said.
“Tough break,” Penny said. Then she looked around and smiled. “I'm glad you guys are all right, though.”
“Uh oh,” Leonard said as he looked at the TV. “Looks like Clark put a hole in the timemobile. That just knocked out our protective force field.” Shaking his head, he sighed.
Howard leaned in toward Raj. “Told you we should have built the timemobile out of adamantium instead of titanium.”
“Dude,” Raj said. “How would you even mold adamantium?”
Leonard made a face. “Think about it, guys. We were expecting the timemobile to stand up to Superman or the Hulk. Not both.”
“Not to mention Doomsday,” Raj said.
“Oh,” Penny said. “Not a fan of Doomsday.” She held up a hand in a “stop” gesture. “That guy better not crash my wedding, I'll tell you that.” She swept her hand in front of her. “Davis Bloome? Not on the invitation list. No, sir. Uh-uh.”
The four guys were in Mind-Meld. Whenever there was a crisis aboard the timemobile (which happened a lot), the “Big Bang” guys would automatically slip into Mind-Meld, Safety-And-Protection Mode.
Sheldon once said it was like when Adrian Monk was buried alive and escaped the horror by dreaming he was with Trudy, the love of his life.
(As Chloe might tell them, in one of the many realities Clark was a keenly observant detective whose late wife was Lana.)
The guys were very creative and imaginative. So in non-crisis mode they would create unusual locales for Mind-Meld: the bridge of Kirk's Enterprise, the gate room (or embarkations room) at Cheyenne Mountain, the Talon, the Bat Cave, the Shire in Middle-Earth, the Justice League satellite, the Hall of Justice (complete with Super Friends), the Mystery Machine (complete with Scooby, Shaggy, et al), or Carter Hall's museum (aka, Justice Society headquarters).
But in crisis mode (or SAP mode), the Mind-Meld involved their default location: the apartment of Sheldon and Leonard back home. In this safe comfortable familiar Mind-Meld locale, they watched the latest crisis unfold on TV.
“Hey, look at that. L and M have their armor suits on.” Leonard talked with Thai food in his mouth. “They're just like the armor suit Lex Luthor wears on some worlds so he can fly around with powers..”
“They look like Buzz Lightyear,” Raj said with his very studious look and simulated beer can.
“Uh oh,” Leonard said. “Looks like we just got sucked out of the timemobile.”
“Hope we don't end up someplace with Terminators,” Sheldon said nervously. “Or Morlocks..” He shuddered as he recalled his nightmare involving “The Time Machine.”
Raj pressed an app on his smart phone. “Relax, Sheldon,” it said in Leonard's voice. “Relax, Sheldon.....relax, Sheldon....relax, Sheldon.....”
“At least my mother isn't here,” Howard mumbled.
The room started to shimmer. The main crisis was over, Leonard realized.
“Thanks for dropping by, Penny,” Leonard said. “But now that the big part of the crisis is over, Mind-Meld is ending.”
As she rose to leave, Penny slapped her hands on her thighs. “I'll go back to my apartment with no electricity and no cable.”
“Okay then,” Leonard said.
“You know,” Penny said as she paused at the door. “I'm just glad you guys have this Mind-Meld thingie to get you through a crisis.”
“Yeah,” Leonard said. “The thing is, there's always some kind of crisis.”
“Then it's good you always have this Mind-Meld thingie,” Penny said with a smile. “At least you guys are safe here. And don't worry, sweetie. You guys will make it home.” From the hallway she called out. “Keep up the good work. See ya, guys.”
As the room faded away, another world formed around them.
“Oh, boy,” L said.
As the Clark creature quietly growled, winds whipped around him. He hung suspended from the restraints, his head drooping.
“Lana,” he mumbled.
“At least we know there's still something of Clark in there,” M said quietly.
In Clark's mind, a strange vision unfolded.
Gathered around the Stargate in Antarctica were Colonel Jack O'Neill, Captain James T. Kirk, Lana Lang, and Sheldon Cooper.
“There's got...to be a...way....to get it...to work,” Kirk insisted. He talked in the nasal voice of someone who had a cold.
“Sorry, Kirk,” O'Neill said, curled up as he rubbed his hands over his chest. .
Lana was wrapped in a blanket. “Don't worry. Clark will save us. He always does.”
“Not this time, Lana,” O'Neill said. “I think we're going to freeze to death before that happens.”
“Oh, don't worry about that,” Sheldon said. He was unusually chipper for someone who resembled the Justice Society's nemesis the Icicle. “Long before then we'll be killed by Jaffa or Klingons or meteor freaks. Or whatever else else the Joker sends after us.” He let out a quick gasping laugh.
“Thanks, Sheldon,” O'Neill said in a tired voice. “I always enjoy these talks of ours. They always bring me such joy, such peace of mind.”
“You're welcome,” Sheldon said cheerfully.
“That was saracasm, Sheldon,” Lana groaned.
“Yes, Sheldon,” Kirk gasped. “Have you gone hysterical?”
“Maybe he got exposed to the Nicodemus flower,” Lana grumbled.
“Or maybe the Joker took over his mind,” O'Neill said. “Like with Clark.”
With a great “whoosh,” Clark appeared. Kirk and O'Neill groaned as they had snow blown in their faces.
“Hey,guys,” Clark said. “Don't worry. I've got you covered.”
He took Lana in his arms, and he was gone.
Kirk reached out with a snow-covered golden arm. “Wait! What about the rest of us?”
“Ah, Clark,” O'Neill groaned.
“Oh, my,” Sheldon said. “He forgot us.”
L crossed his armored arms. “Everything's good. For now.”
“Oh, yeah, everything's great,” M said, his voice transmitting over a small radio.. He waved a gloved hand. “ Clark's been turned into this dangerous thing. Whatever he is.”
“But he's restrained. His powers are neutralized.”
“The 'Big Bang' guys are gone.” M made a sweeping motion with his right arm. “Out the hole.”
“We'll be able to track them.”
“And oh, yeah, there's a big hole in the timemobile.”
“It'll be all right somehow. But,” L said. “The one thing we don't need right now is another problem.”
“We definitely don't need another problem.”
“Hello, boys,” someone said.
From inside their domes (which looked like glass but were actually transparent aluminum), the two men turned their heads.
Reflected on the surface of the domes was a ghoulish chalk-white clown face.
As the Joker broke out with a big yellow smile, he waved his gloved fingers.
“BIG BANG” GUYS MEET KIRK AND SPOCK