Three things are happening,
The guys from the TV series “The Big Bang Theory”--part of Team MacGyver—have sailed out through a hole in their timemobile.
At the same time, the team's two Men in Black, L and M, have managed to get Clark—now a dangerous combination of the Hulk, the Green Goblin, Doomsday and a Klingon—in restraints.
Inside Clark's mind, someone who looks like Jonathan Kent helps him relive his experiences as part of a time-traveling team called “SG-1.”
All this goes on while Clark sleeps in restraints.
But now the Joker has arrived to use his Q-like powers to free Clark.
“MEETINGS”
“CLARK MEETS SG-1”
PLUS: “THE 'BIG BANG' GUYS MEET CAPTAIN KIRK AND SPOCK IN SMALLVILLE”
YET ANOTHER SMALLVILLE/STARGATE/STAR TREK/”BIG BANG THEORY” STORY
(Nothing else like it on the Web.)
Even though they knew it wouldn't do much good, L and M lifted whatever device they had. The Joker pointed his fingers, and the devices went flying.
“Your usual tricks won't work here, boys,” the Joker said in a raspy voice. Grabbing his purple lapels, the Joker stood with his head raised as if posing for a statue. “Haven't you heard? I'm the Big Kahuna now.”
In Mind-Meld, L grimaced. “Now would be a good time to say 'powers activate.'”
“If only,” M said.
In their armor, the two men stood frozen.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk,” the Joker “tsk”-ed. “You know, boys, this is very disappointing.” He threw his arms up, which stretched all the way to the ceiling. As he frantically waved the long purple arms, he also bobbed his tongue up and down.
The tongue-bobbing stopped when he thrust his face toward the two Men In Black.
“I GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO CREATE MY CLARK CREATURE--” Here he stopped to have his purple arms form a heart shape around Clark's Hulk-Klingon head “---BUT WHAT GOOD IS IT IF IT CAN'T COME OUT AND PLAY? HM-M-M-M-M?”
With eyes half-open and chin resting on a gloved hand, the Joker casually pointed a finger.
The restraints on Clark snapped open.
“Clark,” someone said.
A confused Clark looked around.
He recognized the place.
Home Base.
One room looked the kitchen on his parents' farm, another room looked like Sick Bay from the Enterprise (from that “Star Trek” show SG-1 told him about), and another room looked like the Gate Room, or embarkation room, from Stargate Command inside Cheyenne Mountain. Or so SG-1 said.
“Clark,” the man said again, a little louder.
Without looking, Clark spoke to the person. “Look at this. Great big Stargate right in the middle of the room. Can't miss it.” With a blank look, Clark surveyed the room. “Kind of like Teal'c. Big guy. Gold medallion on his forehead. Goa'uld in his stomach. Can't miss him.”
“Clark!” The man tapped him on the shoulder. Somehow, without willing it, Clark turned around.
The man looked exactly like his father. Except he glowed. Probably the same man from the hallucinations he had just had.
“Listen to me,” the man said. “You're confused and disoriented from all that's happened. Who wouldn't be? One moment you're on Vulcan with all the Heroes from the multiple universes. The next you're in Manhattan in Earth's past. You've been exposed to a huge dose of red kryptonite. Filled with hallucinations. Turned into a monster. The Joker's put you through a lot.”
Clark just stood there with that blank look. The man grabbed his face.
“I'm going to give you the ability to relive your experiences with S-G-One. That will help stabilize you, help you understand what's going on . Until we can get you someplace you can get real help.” He looked directly at him. “Okay, Clark?”
The Stargate activated, and Clark found himself walking toward it.
As he did, he had a hazy thought.
The first time he encountered this....”Stargate” thing.
He wasn't walking.
He was running.
It was the day of the solar flares, and Clark's powers were acting up. As he himself noted, one moment he was helpless, the next moment he was in overdrive.
To get away from a reporter named Perry White, Clark took off running. As his super-speed went into overdrive, he ended up running all the way to Colorado Springs.
Suddenly powerless again, Clark briefly searched his pockets for money for a bus ticket. When he took off running again, something appeared in his path. A big vertical ring with strange symbols. Clark shot straight up the ramp.
When he came out the other end, his super-speed suddenly gave out. And it was like time stood still for just a moment. He stared up at the ring and the sparkling waves in its center. To Clark, the etchings on the ring looked like Egyptian symbols he had seen at the Talon. Some looked like symbols in the cave.
Then there was incredible noise. A great screeching buzzing noise, the stomping of boots, the clattering of weapons. Clark whirled around.
Men were pointing weapons. Clark tried to run but no super-speed. Still. .
That meant his invulnerability was gone, too.
“Take it easy,” someone said. It was a man with glasses pointing his own weapon. Like the other men, he was dressed in dark green.
They didn't seem quite like regular Army guys.
A charcoal-haired man with white sideburns stepped forward. He was the only one who was unarmed. With his hands at his side, he radiated calm and confidence. Or was it only nonchalance?
“I would listen to him,” the man said as he pointed to the man in glasses. “He's an archaeologist.”
Clark put his hands up. “Don't shoot.”
“Move,” a large bald black guard ordered, gesturing with his weapon.
Clark was escorted out of the room and into an adjoining hallway.
That was when he heard the voice.
“Tell them who you are. Tell them about your powers. It will be all right.”
“Jor-El?” Clark whispered.
“No talking,” the guard barked.
“You can use your powers to help them,” the voice said. “To help many people.”
It almost sounded like the voice of Jor-El. Except Jor-El would never tell him anything like that.
While Clark was not accustomed to taking orders from a voice in his head, he figured the situation was so weird he had nothing to lose.
He was handcuffed and put in a chair. The charcoal-haired man and the man with glasses stood in front of him.
“Guys,” Clark said. “I don't know what it is you do here. But I can help you. I have powers.”
“Do you now?” the nonchalant man said.
“I don't get it,” Raj Koothrappali said as they stood on a street corner.
“Yeah,” Howard Wolowitz said. “Shouldn't we be falling hundreds of feet screaming?”
Leonard Hofstadter made his usual face. “It's a timemobile, not a flying car from 'The Jetsons.' All we did was get pulled out into another time.”
“I don't see any dinosaurs,” Howard said. “Or any Sleestak. So we're not in the Land of the Lost.”
“I don't like the Land of the Lost,” Sheldon Cooper murmured.
Leonard gave him a look. “Why would Sleestak be in a town with buildings and streets?”
“They wanted to move out of caves?” Howard ventured.
“I just hope Chloe is okay,” Leonard said.
“I wouldn't worry,” Howard said. “She's met Zod possessed by Darkseid. And lived. She'll be fine.”
“Yes, don't worry, Leonard,” Sheldon said. “She's probably in Hill Valley listening to Marty McFly play guitar.”
“Or maybe she's in a time-traveling phone booth with Bill and Ted,” Raj offered.
Leonard clutched the tricorder at his side. “Well, as long as we've got these, the timemobile will be able to track us.”
“If they can get if fixed,” Raj said.
“Yes, if they can straighten out that whole mess,” Sheldon said, glancing around nervously.
Leonard looked around. “Hey, guys. This looks like Smallville. I mean, look. There's Foirdman's Department Store and the Beanery. And there's the Talon. It's playing a Natalie Wood movie.”
“But why is everyone wearing Starfleet uniforms?” Raj asked.
“Yes,” Howard said. “Did the crew of the Enterprise beam down to a planet that looks like Smallville?”
“No, guys. This is the Smallville/'Star Trek' timeline..”
“Oh!” Sheldon exclaimed with a pleased look.
Leonard grinned. “Yeah, how about that, Sheldon? You get to see it.”
“Even though you haven't been very good,” Raj grumbled.
“Hmm, I must have missed the memo,” Howard said. “You know, while I was busy connecting the Stargate system to Gary Seven's teleport beam and that big space-time ribbon. All of which Sheldon supervised.” Here he gave Sheldon a pointed look. “So what, pray tell, is a Smallville/'Star Trek' timeline?”
“It's a timeline Clark created when he saved Edith Keeler,” Leonard said.
“That doesn't sound good,” Howard said.
“Oh, it's not so bad,” Raj said. “Instead of Germany ruling the world, Captain Kirk talked in his sleep and then everyone started wearing Starfleet uniforms.” With a very serious look, Raj nodded authoritatively.
“What?” Howard said.
“Actually, Cassandra Carver saw the uniforms in a vision. Because she's a sensitive who can see into the future. But you've got the basic idea, Raj.” Leonard nodded affirmatively.
“Well, that clears things up,” Howard muttered.
“I wish I had my Starfleet uniform,” Sheldon said wistfully.
“Me, too,” Leonard said.
“Maybe we could call Penny and have her bring them over,” Raj suggested.
Leonard gave him a look. “You think, Raj?”
“I don't think they get cell phone reception here,” Howard said drily.
“Besides which,” Leonard said, “Penny would have to get to Smallville. And travel through time. Into another world! And into an alternate timeline!”
“That girl can barely get to work,” Sheldon grumbled.
Leonard couldn't help wondering: What would Penny be like in this altered timeline? Briefly he pictured her in a red Starfleet mini-skirt with a hairstyle like Yeoman Rand.
As he held up his tricorder, Raj smiled. “Hey, look at this. My tricorder is filling up with all kinds of information about Smallville and 'Star Trek.'” As he closed his eyes, he pressed the device against his cheek. “I can't believe I have a tricorder. This is a tricorder. I love to say 'tricorder!'”
As Raj consulted the device, he giggled lightly. “It says here Lois Lane once referred to the Talon as 'the Falcon.' Oh, that Lois! She's so cra-zy!” Raj's look became distant and dreamy, almost as if he were posing for “People” magazine. “You know, I would gladly put on an Aquaman costume to go out with Lois.”
“That's true love,” Howard said. He knew how Raj regarded Aquaman. (Basic sentiment: Aquaman stinks.)
“I prefer this to some of our other adventures,” Sheldon said, smiling as he observed the people in Starfleet uniforms walking by. “Like when I was on that one planet with that Gorn.”
“Sheldon,” Leonard said with a bemused smile. “That turned out just fine. Remember? MacGyver made gunpowder from items on the planet surface. Just like Captain Kirk did when he was up against a Gorn.”
Shaking his head, Sheldon assumed his “know-it-all” look. “Don't be ridiculous, Leonard. MacGyver couldn't have done that. The guys on 'Mythbusters' proved it couldn't be done.”
“Yeah? Well, the guys on 'Mythbusters' couldn't prove.time travel. Or the existence of a Clark creature. Or get to this Smallville/'Star Trek' timeline.” Leonard held his arms out. “But here we are.”
“It's true, dude,” Raj said. “Here we are.”
“And the guys on 'Mythbusters' probably couldn't build a timemobile or prove the existence of a Joker with powers from the Q...” Leonard trailed off as he stopped to stare.
Leonard pointed and smiled. “Hey, guys. Look. It's Captain Kirk and Spock.”
As his friends audibly gasped, Leonard thought how it was actually happening.
He was going to meet Kirk and Spock. Just like Chloe said he would.
Transporter energy swirled around inside the timemobile, and two figures appeared. One was a blond-haired man in plaid, the other a blond-haired woman in a red Starfleet uniform.
The man pointed a finger, and the restraints on Clark snapped back in place.
The woman pointed one open palm at the hole in the wall, and the winds stopped. Her other hand she directed at L and M, and the two men found themselves pinned to the wall.
“It's time for you to leave, Joker!” the man said forcefully.
A portal opened, and Luthorcorp Plaza appeared. The blond man ran toward the Joker, grabbing him by the waist, and the two flew into the air, the Joker shrieking in protest all the way up. .
Then they plummeted down, bursting through concrete into a giant basement, As the two did a kind of fight-dance, spinning round and round as the man held the Joker by the waist, they knocked over several concrete pillars. As the Joker pointed his fingers, yelping and screeching each time, the man shot yellow energy out of his hands.
Finally the man grabbed the Joker by the back of his shirt and the seat of his pants and threw him into the air. Waving his arms frantically and screaming all the way, the Joker sailed upwards like Bizarro after a super-punch. Until finally the Joker vanished in a great red flash.
The portal closed. The man clapped dust off his hands and wiped his brow. He then put out a yellow glow from his palms. His shredded plaid shirt was whole again.
Things were normal again aboard the timemobile. Or at least as normal as they get on that timemobile.
Except Clark was still a Clark creature.
Doctor Janet Fraiser finished her examination.
“He doesn't have a Goa-uld,” she said. “Otherwise he seems perfectly normal.”
“Thanks, doc,” the nonchalant man said. That would be O'Neill, Clark realized.
At the time, Clark didb't know the names of all the people involved. Now as he relived the experience, he simply provided the names.
The man in glasses—that would be Daniel-- looked skeptical. “So let me see if I understand this. You're a super-powered person but without any actual super powers?”
Clark recalled that Daniel Jackson had a way of talking where he slowly and carefully emphasized each word. Especially when he sounded skeptical.
“No, I don't have any powers,” Clark said. “At least not right now.”
“Is that a threat?” Daniel asked.
“No! Look, I know I sound crazy. But the solar flares are doing something to my powers.”
“Uh-huh,” from Daniel. His face said “crazy.” “Teal'c?”
“I do not believe him to be a threat,” Teal'c said.
“Okay,” Daniel said.
“I believe he is sincere in his desire to help us,” Teal'c said. “You may recall when I first arrived at Stargate Command there were some who did not trust me.”
“You didn't arrive in a Stargate that activated by itself,” O'Neill said.
As she knelt down to talk, Samantha Carter had a serious intense look. “Are you from another world?”
“No,” Clark said. “I mean, yes. I'm from a planet called Krypton.”
Daniel. Teal'c. Carter. They all looked at each other.
“That's something, I guess.” The nonchalant guy stepped forward. The name tag said “O'Neill.”
“Krypton, huh?” he said. Clark fell silent as O'Neill leaned forward. “Look, kid--”
“How about not calling me 'kid?'” Clark said.
O'Neill stood straight. “Sorry. Man. Dude. Listen, guy, I know how these things go. I was interrogated once. Doesn't happen often.”
“What do you mean?” Daniel muttered. “Happens all the time.”
O'Neill lifted a finger to protest then reconsidered. “Okay, bad example,” he decided. “The point is I know about interrogations. Like this one time. It was nineteen-sixty-nine. This bigwig, his name was 'Bob.' He wanted to know who I was. So I told him I was Captain Kirk. When he didn't buy that, I told him I was Luke Skywalker.”
O'Neill leaned over so he was even with Clark's face. “These solar flares, 'man.' Are they telling you to do things?”
Clark sighed with exasperation. “It's like I told you before. I was running along--”
“At super speed,” O'Neill said.
“In the middle of Colorado Springs,” Daniel said.
“-- and this great big ring appeared.”
“It's called a Stargate,” Carter said.
“Carter, don't tell him that,” O'Neill said.
Carter gave him a look. “Sir, I don't know why. But I think we can trust him.”
“You can trust me,” Clark said.
“Uh-huh,” O'Neill said.
“According to his student ID—from 'Smallville High'--his name is 'Clark Kent,'” Daniel said, more skeptical than ever. “Very clever.”
“Not the best fake ID ever,” O'Neill said.
“And he's from Superman's home planet,” Daniel said with subdued sarcasm.
O'Neill crossed his arms. “Kid. Sorry, 'dude.' I'd say you're on your way to the nut house.”
Clark gritted his teeth. “Look, I know how it sounds. But I was running along, this ring appeared, there were solar flares--” He sighed and shook his head.
Carter spoke up. (Clark always thought she had the brightest eyes he had ever seen. Next to Lana's.) “Sir, that may be it. The solar flares. They may be affecting the Stargate.”
“Again?” O'Neill groaned as he made a face. “We're not going time-traveling again, are we?”
“This may explain why the Stargate activated on its own,” Carter said. “It may have actually brought him here.”
“Oh, really, Carter?” O'Neill said. “And since when does the Stargate make a surprise appearance in the middle of Colorado Springs?”
“Something very similar happened to us, sir. When we were sent back to nineteen-sixty-nine, the Stargate temporarily appeared in the past.”
“Yeah?” O'Neill said skeptically. “And I suppose our mysterious Clark Kent here is actually Superman from Krypton. In which case I'm Captain Kirk.”
“Captain who?” Clark said.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” O'Neill shouted as they were all engulfed in a great glowing gold light.
Next thing they were all in the embarkation room with the Stargate fully activated.
“Unscheduled off world activation,” Walter Harriman announced.
A mysterious invisible force pushed them all into the Stargate.
And then they stood in front of this thing.
“I am the Guardian of Forever,” it said.
“Will they charge for an autograph?” Raj asked.
Leonard grinned. “No, Raj. This isn't a science fiction convention. This is Kirk and Spock for real.”
With a serious contemplative look, Raj nodded. “I should get Clark's autograph later.”
“Yes, when he's not a raging Hulk creature,” Howard muttered.
“Or maybe while he is,” Raj said with a deep-thought look. “It might be worth more.”
The guys were in Mind-Meld again. This time they were on the bridge of the Enterprise with lights flashing and equipment whirring all around them. On the viewscreen, they were standing on the street corner with Kirk and Spock in the background.
“This is kind of interesting,” Leonard said. “Captain Kirk's wearing a gold sweater and black pants. Just like his Starfleet uniform But Spock is in a blue shirt and red jacket. Just like Clark would wear.”
“You know, something else that's interesting.” Raj consulted Spock's science station.. “There's a similarity between the Nicodemus flower and the one that made Spock all crazy. The way it shot out those seeds at Lana Lang.”
“Ah, Lana Lang,” Howard said. “I love Lana .”
“Dude,” Raj said. “It's lucky you're not Kryptonian or your eyeballs would be setting us all on fire right now.”
With a dreamy look, Howard went on. “Lana going for a swim. Lana in a Starfleet uniform. Lana. Queen by my side.”
“Dude, Chloe was right,” Raj said. “You sound like Lex Luthor.”
Leonard rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Howard, you and Lana can rule the world together. With Ba'al.”
“While you and Chloe visit the multiple worlds together,” Howard said, raising his eyebrows up and down..
Leonard put on his look. “We're just friends.”
Raj smirked. “As Pete Ross would say to Clark, 'Uh-huh. Right. Just friends.'”
“'Time to invest in a new set of cue cards,'” Howard said in a sing-song voice..
On the viewscreen the four guys walked towards Kirk and Spock.
“I wonder how we should handle this,” Leonard mused aloud.
“I get to meet Spock!” Sheldon was like a little girl who had just seen her idol.
“What do we say?” Finger to chin, Leonard stopped and thought for a moment. “We could offer to buy them coffee at the Beanery, I suppose.”
“Or,” Howard said, raising a finger. “How about this? We could say something like, 'Hello, Captain Kirk and Spock. We're lost time travelers just like you. How's it going?'” He shook his head. “They'll throw us in Belle Reve for sure.”
Raj had his super-serious look. “I think Belle Reve would be much nicer than Arkham Asylum.”
“Arkham Asylum has Catwoman,” Howard said in a sing-song voice as he wiggled his eyebrows.
“Dude, what about Bernadette?”
“I can still dream, can't I?”
“No,” Raj decided.
Mind-Meld ended. They walked together..
Kirk and Spock were now close. Very close.
The woman dropped her hand, and L and M relaxed as they moved away from the wall.
“It's you guys,” L said.
“Yep,” the woman said. “It's just us. Sorry about pinning you guys against the wall like that. Just trying to keep you out of the way while Jonathan and the Joker had their little fight. Because who knows what weird energy would be flying around, right?”
“Understood,” M said.
“Not the worst thing to happen all day,” L said.
The Clark-creature growled.
“Clark!” the man shouted in a commanding voice. “Remember who you are!”
In his head, Clark was pulled away from the Guardian of Forever.
He thought of Lana.
Yes, there were painful memories. Like the way she looked at him at the funeral for Whitney's father. Or the way she looked at him in Metropolis when he was “Kal.”
But there were also good memories.
He relived them. .
Talking to her in the cemetery. The two of them shouting up at the sky together after a football game.
Being at a “drive-in” watching a movie (a Bugs Bunny cartoon.) Sitting on the windmill in Chandler's Field. The way she kissed him after Whitney played with the Metropolis Sharks. Sitting under a tree together.
Waving to each other at the spring formal.
A bittersweet moment.
Clark thought of something else.
His parents.
The way the three of them embraced before he went off to see Virgil Swann.
“No matter what I find out,” he said, “it is not going to change the way I feel about you. You'll still be my mom and dad.”
As Clark said this aloud in the timemobile, the green on his face began to fade away.
He recalled other moments. His mom holding him when he was a little boy. His dad grinning and nodding with his hand on his shoulder.
So many moments like that.
His parents smiling and waving.
“I know who I am!” Clark shouted.
The green arms, the gray horns, the Klingon beard, the yellow eyes. Vanished. All gone. .
Clark was back to normal.
Clark was just Clark again.
And he was back in front of the Guardian of Forever with SG-1.
As Clark collapsed, the man and the woman caught him and helped him on to the Sick Bay table.
“He should be fine now,” the man said with a nod.
“Hold it right there!” M shouted, pointing his phaser.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the man said with a little laugh.
“Easy, guys,” the woman said, holding her hands up. “The Joker obviously planted some kind of temporary mind-wipe in you. We've been through this, remember?”
M lowered his weapon. “Right. Sorry.”
“We're a little on edge,” L explained. “What with Clark attacking the timemobile and all.”
Th blond woman smiled. “Whatever the Joker did to Clark, it's gone now.. Along with your fuzzy memory.”
“Good to hear,” M said. The armor disassembled.
L held up a remote control. “I'll hang on to this. Just in case.”
“Good idea,” the man said. “Who knows what other tricks the Joker has?”
A door opened, making the “whisk” noise like you might hear on the Enterprise, and Angus MacGyver and Chloe Sullivan burst into the room.
“Situation's contained, sir,” M said..
“Good to hear,” MacGyver said as he relaxed his posture.
“Yeah,” Chloe said with a relieved sigh. “And I see some old friends are here, too.”
The man nodded. “Hey, Chloe. Hey, Mac.”
“Hey, guys,” the woman said with a cheery smile and a little wave.
“Hey,” MacGyver said with a nod.
“Captain MacGyver,” Chloe said.
MacGyver wince-grinned. “Call me Mac.”
Chloe smiled inquisitively. “Or how about I call you Angus?”
Crossing his arms, MacGyver offered a wry smile. “Tell you what, Chloe. You don't call me Angus, I won't bring up that time you were a cheerleader.”
“Okay, deal.” Chloe made that face in which she wrinkled her eyebrows. “Yeah, let's never speak of that again.”
Then Chloe's look turned very serious. “Here's the deal: Captain Kirk and Spock are going to want to get on this timemobile with you. You can't let them. It's important to the future.”
MacGyver offered his most polite frown. “Look, Chloe. You seem like a nice person and everything. But this idea that you know the future? Not buying it.”
“I'll show you part of the future.” Chloe put fingers on his face, and they emitted a slight yellow glow.
For a moment, MacGyver's face was blank then he blinked.
“Gotcha,” he said.
“He-e-e-ey!” Leonard said with a big smile. “Guys, look who it is. Captain Kirk and Spock. Fancy meeting you guys here.”
“In Smallville,” Howard said.
“What a coincidence,” from Raj..
“Yeah, what a surprise,” Leonard said. Behind him, Sheldon smiled broadly as he gave the Vulcan hand salute.
Leonard's smile was really big. “We're really big fans.”
“Ah, yes,” Captain Kirk said. “You've read the books by my wife.”
“And Cassandra Carver,” Spock said.
“Yeah, of course.” Making an exaggerated face and a “pfft” noise, Leonard waved his hands. “That's it. How else would we know you?”
“I can't believe I get to meet you,” Sheldon blurted out in a high-pitched voice as he trembled slightly. “Here. Now. In this time.”
With a stoic look, Spock nodded. “There is, gentlemen, a right time for everything.”
With a bemused smile, Leonard tilted his head back slightly. “Was that a joke?”
“I don't think Spock does jokes,” Howard said.
“I would disagree,” Raj said. “Mister Spock often makes humorous comments that make other people smile and laugh..”
“It's true,” Kirk said with a grin.
“Mister Spock.” Raj looked ultra-serious, even solemn. “With your humorous observations, you're like a Vulcan Jerry Seinfeld or Jim Gaffigan. Or even Gallagher.”
“Yes, Raj,” Howard said. “Mister Spock was often seen on the bridge of the Enterprise smashing watermelons.”
“Wait. Vulcan?” Kirk said as Spock stiffened.
“I was talking about the humorous observations, not the watermelons,” Raj retorted.
As the guys talked, Kirk and Spock looked confused, even slightly alarmed.
Mildly miffed for only a moment, Raj continued on with a smile. “Whenever Spock made some humorous comment, they would always play this light comical music. I often listened to 'Star Trek' music as I imagined myself by a roaring fire with Lieutenant Uhura and Yeoman Rand.” Raj gave Kirk and Spock a hopeful look. “Can you introduce me to Lieutenant Uhura and Yeoman Rand?”
The two men looked stricken.
“Regrettably not,” Spock said.
“We left them behind many years ago,” Kirk said.
“Oh, right,” Raj said, drooping a little.
“Smooth, Raj,” Howard muttered.
“Now,” Kirk said. After looking around nervously, he spoke in a low whisper. “How do you know what happens on the bridge of the Enterprise?”
“Oh,” Leonard said. “We've seen your ship's logs. We work for Starfleet.”
“Most curious,” Spock said. “Given you are the only ones not wearing Starfleet uniforms.”
“We're undercover,” Leonard said.
Spock crossed his arms. “I find that highly doubtful.”
“Gentlemen,” Kirk said. “You're not from around here, are you?”
“Sure we are.” Leonard lifted his chin. “We work at the Luthorcorp plant.”
“I don't,” Sheldon said.
“Now you do.”
“But I don't.”
“There is no Luthorcorp plant,” Kirk said pointedly..
“At least not at present.” Arms still crossed, Spock lifted an eyebrow.
“Okay, you've got us,” Howard said. “We're from the future.”
“Please don't send us to Belle Reve.” Raj pleaded.
“The future?” Kirk said.
“Technically, the future of another world,” Leonard said, looking away from them. “Just like Clark and S-G-One are from different worlds.”
Spock raised an eyebrow.. “You know of Clark Kent and S-G-One.”
“Yeah,” Leonard said. “Clark crossed over into another world because of a Stargate sent by the Guardian of Forever. Just like we're from another world.”
“We're still nice people,” Howard said.
“Even if we are from the future,” Raj said.
“The future,” Kirk said.
“It's not much of a future really,” Sheldon said in his East Texas accent. “There's no weather control or flying cars or floating cities or robot servants.”
“Sheldon,” Leonard sighed in an exasperated warning voice.
“I still want my own personal Data,” Sheldon murmured. Then, bobbing his head slightly, he went on. “And to be perfectly honest, I don't really care for your Enterprise, Captain Kirk. No offense, Mister Spock, but I would much rather be on the Enterprise with Captain Picard. They have a holodeck and the food simulators there would make Thai food to my exact specifications.” A grinning Sheldon nodded.
“Sheldon. Ple-e-ease.”
“Well, they would, Leonard!”
Kirk's smile was almost a smirk. “Well, I have to say you're not exactly the 'ascended beings' I thought would show up to help us.”
Spock nodded. “Though sometimes, Captain, help arrives in unexpected forms. As with these new invaders to our timeline.”
“Invaders?” Leonard said.
“We've been running into people from other times, other worlds,” Kirk explained. “But can you get us out of here?”
“I don't see why not,” Leonard said. “Our timemobile should be here any moment.”
“We have a timemobile,” Raj said jubilantly.
“You guys are welcome to come along,” Leonard said.
“The more, the merrier,” Howard said.
“Captain,” Spock said. “This may be an opportunity to help restore the timeline to its original condition.”
Kirk looked at Leonard. “If it's a chance to change things back, we have to go with you.”
“We'll see what we can do. Wow,” Leonard said with a big grin. “Think how impressed everyone will be when we walk into the Cheesecake Factory with Captain Kirk and Spock.”
“Yes,” Howard said. “What's the Pasadena equivalent of Belle Reve?”
Kirk looked lost in thought. “Goodbye, Edie,” he whispered.
“Whoa,” Clark said.
“Yeah,” Daniel said.
The Guardian of Forever pulsated with light.
Clark remembered . O'Neill would later describe the Guardian as “the funny-looking clam-shaped TV set on the Technicolor planet.” Or ”the talking time machine from 'Star Trek.'”
“I am a gateway into other times, other places,” it said.
“Good to know,” O'Neill said. “Can you send us back where we came from?”
“There are disruptions in the fabric of space-time,” the Guardian of Forever said.
“Guess not, huh?” O'Neill muttered.
“These disruptions have been brought on by powerful entities.”
“That doesn't sound good,” O'Neill said.
“Members of a powerful race called the Q have rebelled, creating chaos throughout the multiple universes.”
“Excuse me,” Daniel said. “Did you say multiple universes?”
“I have been empowered by the Q and the ones called 'the Ancients' to help.”
“The Ancients are involved in this?” Carter said.
“It would appear so, Major Carter,” Teal'c said.
“Hey, uh, Mister Guardian,” O”Neill said. “If you're the one who sucked us into the Stargate, will you send us back? Like, now.”
“Empowered by the Q and the Ancients, I am recruiting teams to correct these disruptions.”
“Kind of a one-sided conversation here,” O'Neill noted.
“These disruptions are being caused by the one the rogue Q call 'the Joker.'”
“Excuse me again,” Daniel said. “Did you say 'the Joker?'”
“The Joker has been given powers by the rogue Q to alter timelines and alter universes. Once I have downloaded you with the Background, Doctor Jackson, you will have a greater understanding.”
“Okay then,” Daniel said, looking slightly nervous.
“And we're here because why?” O'Neill asked.
“You will be a team to help restore altered timelines and altered universes.”
When the Guardian spoke, it reminded Clark of Jor-El or at least the voice of Jor-El he knew from the ship. It was a gentle soothing voice in some ways but maybe a little too calm and measured.
“I have recruited Doctor Sam Beckett to join your team,” the Guardian said in his too-calm voice.
A man dressed all in white nodded even as he wore an uncertain look. “Uh, hey,” he said. Clark saw the guy had prominent eyebrows, a big nose and eyes half-open. “Any idea how I got here?” he asked.
“Not a clue,” O'Neill said.
“Not yet anyway,” Carter said.
Beckett pointed to a device in his hand. Clark remembered that later O'Neill called the device a “misshaped Rubik's-cube-looking thingy with flashing colorful lights.”
“This might be able to help,” Beckett said. “This is Zigi.”
“Beckett, Zigi,” O'Neill said with a cordial nod. “Good to see you guys. We'll be leaving soon and heading home.”
“Jack, you really think that's possible?” Daniel said.
The Guardian of Forever spoke again. “I have also sent to you Clark Kent with all his powers.”
Daniel lifted a finger, almost as if raising his hand in class. “Uh, excuse me. What powers exactly?”
Clark, having already broken free of his handcuffs, picked up a boulder and tossed it like styrofoam.
“My powers are back,” Clark said calmly in response to the amazed looks of Carter, Teal'c and Beckett,. “Just making sure.”
“I see,” Daniel said, adjusting his glasses. “Okay then.”
“Nice!” O'Neill exclaimed. “Hey, Guardian guy, While you're at it, why not send us Abraham Lincoln, too? Or maybe a Terminator? Or maybe even a robot Abraham Lincoln Terminator.” He waved his hand. “Never mind. We won't be staying long.”
Daniel lifted his finger again. “Are you the same Guardian of Forever from the 'Star Trek' episode 'The City on the Edge of Forever?' Because if you are, this is really strange.”
O'Neill gave him a look. “Oh, yeah, Daniel. Like so much of this is normal. Most of what we do is strange.”
“Not like this,” Daniel said.
“I am more than just a gateway and a portal now. I am a conduit for the Q and the Ancients. Now I recruit and direct people from different worlds.” The Guardian continued, pulsing with light as it spoke. “I will give you the energy and stamina of cosmic beings so you can endure your many trips through space and time. As I send you on missions I will direct you to the proper points in time and space and communicate to your minds what you need to know.”
“Thanks for the offer,” O'Neill said. “Think we'll pass.”
“I send you on your first mission now,” the Guardian said.
“Uh, no!” O'Neill shouted.
“On the other side you will find backpacks with technology from the Q and the Ancients.”
“Reminds me of Jor-El,” Clark grumbled.
A Stargate appeared, and they were pulled into it. On the other side, O'Neill declared, “I'm dialing home.”
But the Stargate vanished.
“Jack,” Daniel said. “Think about it. We're dealing with some kind of entity that can manipulate Stargates and pull people out of space and time. I don't think we have much of a choice.”
“I don't care, Daniel. I'm not going to be forced into this by some all-knowing all-powerful...whatever that thing is.”
“Yeah,” Clark said. “What he said.”
Clark still winced when he thought of it. The vision. The one where they all stood in a white void. They saw visions of people in agony. Flashes of multiple universes. The lives of so many people in danger, in peril. Billions and billions of lives. Lives they could change.
It was like the vision Clark shared with Cassandra Carver, only a thousand times more intense.
When the vision passed, they all just stood there, gasping and panting, unable to speak.
Finally, Daniel said, “Guys, we have to do this.”
They all nodded, and after a few minutes of recovery, they picked up the backpacks sitting in the field, and they began walking. They knew which direction to go.
As they walked, O'Neill said, “Hey, guys? Someone want to explain to me why I suddenly know a whole lot of stuff about 'Star Trek?'”
“Or why I know a bunch of stuff about....everything.” Daniel made a face.
“You always have,” O'Neill said as he pointed. “You and Carter.”
“Not everything, sir.”
As they walked, O'Neill looked back. “So, 'Clark.' Or whatever your name really is. What do you say we save a bunch of universes?”
Clark flashed a smile. “Sounds good to me, sir.”
“You don't have to call me, sir.”
“Colonel? Mister O'Neill? Uh, Jack.”
Leonard was too busy grinning to notice Captain Kirk's sad look. “Everything's turning out just like Chloe said it would.”
“Chloe?” Spock said.
“Yeah, Chloe Sullivan,” Leonard said.
Kirk had a look of recognition. “Spock, she was in a dream I had once. She was my lawyer.”
“Indeed?” Spock said.
“Hey, yeah,” Leonard said. “I had a dream once I was on Krypton. And you were there, Captain Kirk.”
“I told Jor-El he couldn't sit in my spot,” Sheldon said.
“Samantha Carter was there,” Raj said with a dreamy look.
“Hello, Council members,” Howard said as he waved.
“Wow,” Leonard said. “I thought it was just a dream. Guess not.”
“But you know this Chloe Sullivan?” Kirk said.
“Yeah. In fact, she mind-melded with us. She said she had something to pass on to you guys.”
Spock glanced at the captain then at the guys. “I shall attempt mind-meld.”
“Oh, boy!” Sheldon exclaimed.
Spock put fingers on his face first. When Sheldon's head twitched, Spock held it firmly in place.
“My thoughts to your thoughts....”
“Yes, Spock,” Sheldon said as if in a trance..
For the Vulcan, there was a brief series of quick images, flashes. .Then Spock was transported into an intense vivid scene.
It was night. .
Spock stood alone..
He saw Jim with Edith Keeler walking on the other side of the street.
“Beckett!” someone shouted.
It was Colonel Jack O'Neill, armed with a phaser as he pointed his finger. “Leap into Captain Kirk. Now!”
The one called Beckett vanished. In his place, a Vulcan stepped forward.
He looked just like Spock.
“Really, Colonel O'Neill,” the other Spock said. “Don't you believe people should be free to make their own choices?”
“I'm not taking any chances,” O'Neill grunted. As the colonel ran, the other Spock shot black energy out of his hands. O'Neill dodged it. .
“When I do a wipe, it won't matter!” O'Neill shouted as he ran off.
Another Vulcan approached the other Spock from behind and delivered a nerve pinch. Other-Spock collapsed and lay face down on the ground.
“You forget. I have seen the future.”
Spock reacted. The one speaking was him, only very old with long stringy white hair.
“Jack!” Daniel Jackson shouted. He waved his hand as he ran. “Bruce and Surnak found Clark.”
“And the Terminator,” Samantha Carter said as she ran with a phaser pointed down at the ground.
“I shall guide you, Clark Kent.”
Spock stared. The Jaffa warrior known as “Teal'c” escorted another odd figure. It was Clark Kent. Only he had white sideburns and lines under his eyes.
As Spock surveyed the scene, he saw two dark-haired young men firing phasers at a silver android with red eyes. Running in a zig-zag pattern, the android managed to dodge each shot.
Sitting on the ground was Clark Kent. A young Clark Kent.
He stood up, and he ran off at super-speed.
“Whoa,” said one of the young men.
The two dark-haired young men just stood there One was humanoid, the other Vulcan. For a moment, both looked perplexed and confused. Then the humanoid youth threw some type of bat-shaped object.
“Ha! Take that, Terminator.”
The shiny head with red eyes flew off.
“Wait!” O'Neill shouted.
“It's booby-trapped!” Carter shouted.
The explosion engulfed SG-1, the two young men.
Everyone in the immediate area.
And, Spock saw, Clark Kent rescued Edith Keeler. Again. . .
Spock's eyes shot open, and he gasped and groaned.
“Spock, you all right?” Kirk asked.
Silently Spock nodded.
“Are you sure?”
“You don't look so well,” Leonard said.
Though he struggled to stand, Spock nodded. “I shall be all right, Captain. It is important that I continue.”
He placed fingers on the faces of the other three. Leonard. Raj. Howard.
This time Spock was transported to a place and a scene that was far more familiar. And much more peaceful.
His hand dropped to his side.
“Fascinating,” he said.
“The timemobile should be here any moment,” Leonard said.
Aboard the timemobile, MacGyver turned to the one called Jonathan. “What am I going to tell Captain Kirk and Spock?”
“Jonathan” smiled. “Just tell them the truth. Or better, show them.” He held up his fingers in a mind-meld pattern.
With a solemn look, Chloe nodded. “Spock will understand. Believe me. Better than most people.”
“Hope so,” MacGyver sighed.
L and M pointed their phasers at the man and the woman. “Hold it right there!” M shouted.
“Now what?” the woman groaned.
As the two Men In Black pointed their phasers, Clark, lying in the Sick Bay table, twitched violently.
“Guys?” the woman said. “We really don't have time for this. We have to help Clark.”
“Stay where you are!” M roared.
The glowing Jonathan appeared to Clark again.
“Clark, I'm going to give you the ability to witness events you never saw.”
Clark was in a hallway with O'Neill, Daniel, Carter, and Teal'c. There was some bald guy with stars on his shoulders and a name tag that said “Hammond.”
That must be the General Hammond SG-1 talked about.
Yeah, Clark thought. O'Neill and the others went off to talk to General Hammond not long after we met Captain Picard and Data. Beckett and I stayed behind.
“....like a really large funny-looking TV set, sir,” O'Neill was saying.. “Shaped sort of like a clam. Only with dials or maybe holes. And it talked, sir.”
“Talked?” Hammond said in a slight Southern accent. “What'd it have to say?”
“Said it was going to send us on missions, sir.”
“To do what exactly?”
“Fix altered timelines. Fix altered universes. Fix things that go wrong in time. That sort of thing.”
“Just like Sam Beckett does,” Daniel said.
“Who's Beckett?” Hammond asked.
“Our newest team member, sir,” O'Neill said. “Leaps around in time and space.”
Daniel nodded. “On the TV show 'Quantum Leap,' Sam Beckett can only leap around in his own lifetime. But this version of Sam Beckett, from another world, can leap around anywhere in time and space.” As Hammond stared, Daniel adjusted his glasses. “It's actually very helpful, general. When we're trying to fix timelines, Beckett can leap into people and control them..”
“Yes, it's a long story, sir,” O'Neill said.
“When we got whisked into the Stargate,” Daniel said. “That's when we first met Beckett.”
“On the planet of the Guardian of Forever, sir,” Carter said. .
“Right,” O'Neill said, raising a finger. “The Guardian. When we first met this Guardian guy, the planet we were on, it was like it was in Technicolor. Really bright colors, sir. Like you might see on the old 'Star Trek.' Which is kind of interesting, sir. Because as the Guardian was sending us around to all kinds of places, at one point we were actually aboard—wait for it—the starship Enterprise.”
“The Enterprise?” an incredulous Hammond replied.
“Yes, sir,” O'Neill said.
“Captain Picard's Enterprise,” Daniel said. “Not Captain Kirk's. We're actually supposed to stay away from Kirk and Spock”
“As a rule, general, we're supposed to avoid anyone from the Prime Universe,” Carter said. “But especially Kirk and Spock. They're central to a lot of things, general.”
Hammond made a face. “Kirk and Spock? The Prime Universe?”
“We actually did run into Kirk and Spock once,” Carter said. “Without meaning to.”
“Daniel was worried we might have changed things,” O'Neill said. “But everything seems to be fine.”
“Colonel, this is getting a little hard to believe.”
“I understand, general. I didn't believe it myself at first. Thought maybe I was going crazy. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. But-sir-it turns out that somewhere in this great big universe of ours Kirk and Spock and the Enterprise actually exist.”
“There are multiple universes, actually,” Daniel said.
“In fact, Clark is from another world,” Carter said.
“A world where they don't have 'Star Trek,'” Daniel explained.
O'Neill gave him a look. “Daniel, is that really the most important thing about Clark's world?”
“It is insofar that Kirk and Spock and the Enterprise actually exist in Clark's future. The future of his world, that is.”
For a moment, a speechless Hammond looked around in confusion. Then: “Teal'c, what do you make of all this?”
“I am involved in a great battle to change the lives of many people,” Teal'c said, hands behind his back, stoic solemn look on his face.
“One thing, General,” Daniel said. “Even though we're supposed to avoid people from the Prime Universe, Clark is the exception.”
“He is in fact part of our team,” Teal'c said.
“That's because only someone from the Prime Universe can restore an altered timeline within the Prime Universe,” Daniel said.
“Clark Kent has many powers and abilities,” Teal'c noted. “Far beyond those of mere humans.”
Daniel nodded. “In addition to his other powers, Clark apparently has the power to alter destiny.”
“And he's actually from Prime Earth, sir,” Carter said.
Looking confused, Hammond held out his hands. “Who exactly is 'Clark?'”
“He's on the Enterprise with Captain Picard and Data. On his way to Vulcan,” O'Neill said with a nod, as if that explained it all. O'Neill then made his thinking face. “In the twenty-third or twenty-fourth century.” He waved his hand. “Doesn't matter. Time is relative, sir. Especially in time travel.”
“Yeah, thanks, Jack,” Daniel muttered.
O'Neill shrugged. “Picard and his people were going to the Gathering anyway. All the Heroes were. So the Guardian had us hitch a ride.”
Hammond stared. “That still doesn't explain who Clark is.”
“Clark Kent,” Teal'c said.
“Superman, sir,” O'Neill explained.
“One version of Superman, that is,” Daniel clarified, holding one finger up. .
“He was aboard the Enterprise once,” Carter said. “Captain Kirk's Enterprise, that is. Only for a very short time.”
Daniel nodded. “An attempt by the Joker to mess up the Prime Universe. Again. But I think we're safe now.”
O'Neill nodded. “Yeah, Clark told me about that. From what I hear it's just like the episodes I have downloaded in my brain. The women on the Enterprise actually wear mini-skirts.”
“Mini-skirts?” Hammond said with a frown.
“Yes, sir. Red and blue mini-skirts. Really bright red and blue ones.” O'Neill's inquisitive look was laced with desire and hope as he lifted his eyebrows. “Any chance we can do that here, General? Purely optional, of course, sir.”
“Request denied,” the general harrumphed. It was rare the general actually harrumphed.
“Jack's a little sick,” Daniel said. “Too many time jumps.”
“You all sound a little crazy,” Hammond said.
“This is all true, sir,” Carter insisted.
Hammond shook his head. “Major Carter, this is all a bit much. Working with TV characters and superheroes. Teams going around changing timelines?”
“That's what the Guardian does, sir,” O'Neill said. “He goes around borrowing TV characters and comic book characters from other worlds.”
“Indeed,” Teal'c said.
“That's one way to put it,” Daniel said.
“One team has Archie and the Punisher, sir,” Carter said.
“Archie?” Hammond said. “As in comic book Archie?”
“Yes, sir,” O'Neill said. “Betty and Veronica and Jughead and the whole gang.”
“They also have two Men In Black, sir,” Carter said.
“Plus those guys from 'The Big Bang Theory.'” At Hammond's puzzled look, O'Neill went on. “It's a TV show, general.”
“Never heard of it,” Hammond said.
“After our time, sir,” O'Neill said. “Supposed to be very funny, though.”
“We have encountered Team MacGyver at Home Base,” Teal'c said.
“Home Base?” from Hammond.
“The Q and the Ancients made it,” O'Neill said. “It has a room that looks exactly like the embarkation room.”
Hammond shook his head. “So let me get this straight: 'Star Trek' is real, and so are comic book characters. Is that right?”
“I have witnessed it and experienced it all myself, General Hammond,” Teal'c said.
Daniel, Carter, and Teal'c briefly described some of the missions they had been on for the Guardian while O'Neill interrupted with occasional inane comments. As this went on, Hammond was surprised to learn their exploits had been going on for years.
“You've only been gone for two weeks,” he said.
Carter shrugged. “That's the nature of time travel, sir. All I can tell you is everything will go back to the way it was.”
Daniel crossed his arms. “From what the Guardian tells me, it'll be much like 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.' Where the kids spent years in Narnia then turned back into kids.”
“Except for that part about turning into kids, of course,” O'Neill said.
Clark could see into Daniel's mind. He was thinking aboutr the time he described someone with the mentality of a child while Jack stood in the background holding a magnifying glass to his mouth.
Carter adjusted the strap on her weapon. “Once we take care of the Breakdown, general, we get to go home.”
“There's no place like home,” O'Neill said in a chipper voice.
“All will go back to the way it was,” Teal'c said. “It is why we must help, general.”
“You're not going anywhere,” Hammond said. “I want all of you to undergo a complete examination by Doctor Fraiser.”
“With all due respect, sir, we can't,” Carter said.
O'Neill waved his hand. “Yeah, sorry, general. There's no time for Ol' Doc Fraiser. We have to be getting back. We're in the middle of a Big Honkin' Breakdown In Reality. With all kinds of strange characters popping up in all kinds of strange places.”
“Tell me about it,” Hammond said. “This morning I had Bugs Bunny and Mighty Mouse in my office, I thought I was going crazy. But then Siler and Harriman said they saw Mickey Mouse and Daffy Duck.”
“Yep,” O'Neill said as he stepped back. “The Joker is doing quite a number on the multiple universes.”
“The Joker?” Hammond retorted.
O'Neill lifted two fingers to his cap in a light salute. “See ya,” he said. He and the team dissolved into swirling transporter energy.
A confused General Hammond blinked in irritation. To add to the irritation, a laughing Woody Woodpecker appeared on his shoulder.
“Shoo,” Hammond said, swatting him away.
I have to get back, Clark thought. But around him was only darkness, and he could not move.
Help me, he thought.
The Joker grabbed him by the neck.
“Sorry, Clarkie-boy,” he said. “You're not going anywhere.”
As he pressed down on Clark's neck, the wide-eyed Joker smiled his biggest yellow glowing smile. “You're going to stay right here. Joker says.”
NEXT EPISODE
COSMIC VISITORS
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